When Friendship Precedes Marriage

It is always sad to say goodbye to the months of July and August not only is it time for a much needed vacation after completing a school year; but in our family these are also months of celebrating love and friendship.

It all begins in July when my husband\’s birthday comes around. August has double blessing as we celebrate not just my birthday but our anniversary as well. This year both birthdays had something special. For the first time since we got married Benjamin spent his birthday without me and the children. Our daughter who could not stop lamenting about how her father was going to be alone on his birthday came up with a plan. She suggested they make him cards and hide them. Yours truly was tasked with ensuring I bake a carrot cake which is his favorite. The plan worked because when we called to wish him a happy birthday he still had cake and he was touched by the cards the children had made.

On my part this year, I ascended to the fourth floor and I did it with grace and gratitude. For some reason on the days leading up to the big day I could not stop thinking about all the people we went to school with who have since passed on. So for me the fact that I lived to see this day was a blessing. In this post I shared my/thoughts-turning-40.

This year when we celebrated our twelfth anniversary, I found myself reflecting on the major lessons that have come as a result of being married to Benjamin. People will tell you their marriages began on different footings. Some are married to their high school sweet hearts. Others will say theirs was love at first sight and yet for some, they owe their marriage to someone who connected them. In our case, ours is built on a friendship that started several years ago.

Anyone who knows the two of us knows that we are total opposites. I like to talk, he is a good listener, I like to do things fast and tend to act on impulse he takes his time and thinks things through (sometimes a little too long!). When I took tests to discover my temperament and personality I came out as a choleric/sanguine. Although Benjamin has not yet taken the test he matches the characteristics of a phlegmatic and according to Tim Lahaye in his book I love you but why are we different: making the differences work for you. Phlegmatics are usually attracted to cholerics. I can say for sure that being married to Benjamin has made me a better person and below I share some of the things I have learnt from doing life with him.

1. It pays to be humble

Over the years I have observed a consistency in Benjamin. The way he relates to the workers we have at home is the same way he relates to his boss at work. Regardless of who or what someone has ever done to him, he treats all people the same. He has been blessed with so many accomplishments but this does not in any way cause him to elevate himself.  Instead, he takes everything in with humility and always returns the glory to God. We are told that \”God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble\”. I have indeed been a witness of God\’s grace over his life through the years.

For a long time I battled with a weakness of judging people according to my standards. If I could do something then so should everyone else, that was until I came across what the Apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians

“For who makes you so superior? what do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?”

I thank God that after learning this I am a lot better, I may not be where God wants me to be but I am certainly not where I used to be. It helps if we remember all we have is a gift and that the giver was gracious enough to give the gift to you instead of another person.

2. Always give your best

One of the legacies that we would like to leave our children with is that it is more blessed to give than to receive. It is easy to give but to be a true giver you have to give your best. I recall the story of the widow\’s offering in the Bible and how Jesus used it to teach his disciples about giving he said

“Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more than all the others into the treasury. For they all contributed out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in all she had to live on’.

Benjamin has taught me to give something when it is still of value to me. He often says “it is good to give someone something they can also enjoy” . I thank God this is a lesson I have learnt well and I pray he can teach the children this principle as well.

I feel blessed to say that twelve years ago I choose to get married to my friend. This friendship has grown over the years and today am glad to say that I am married to my best friend.

I would love to hear from you. What lessons have you picked up from your spouse over the years. Please lets continue the discussion in the comments section.